COMMENT

THE REASON WHY:

START DATE:  DECEMBER 23, 2008

This is a follow-on from our 2006 Internet Workshop, which was a one-off workshop by e-mail, held on National Poetry Day, with Sudeep Sen.

Poets Michael Brett and Brenda Niskala joined Kim Morrissey to edit poems by Purple Poet Ferdous Rahman, who has generously volunteered to be Guest Guinea-Pig. This is the first time these poems have been edited.
____________________________________________

KIM: At this stage in her development, (spring, 2009) it is important for Ferdous to see that there is a community of poets, not just one person who has all the answers (which, up to now, Ferdous has assumed would be me).

I wanted Ferdous to learn that different poets have different approaches to writing and criticism.

One of the problems Ferdous has been struggling with is that English is not one of her first (of several) languages, so even though she is well-educated , intelligent, and perceptive, she has been struggling to express her complex ideas in English.

Ferdous is in the process of preparing her first poetry manuscript in English (she has published several books in Bengali). She has not used her computer to do anything but archive her poems, and she is unfamiliar with the use of attachments, editing on the computer by cutting and pasting, and using e-mail to send and discuss drafts of poems.  I wanted her to start to use the computer for the latter stages of her rewrites, so she would not be afraid to experiment with changes, reorderings and revisions.

WHY MICHAEL, WHY BRENDA:

I thought Ferdous, Michael and Brenda would create an interesting poetic exchange, as they all share a passion for politics as well as poetry.

As well as being our Guest Poet Reader for the Purple Poets at the 2006 Camden Green Fair, Brenda Niskala and I have created and shared workshops in Saskatchewan (and edited and admired each other's work for many years).  brenda has don extensive mentoring with the Regina Survivor's Poetry Group, so she is used to dealing with fragile and vulnerable beginning writers.

I met Michael  Brett in 2006, when I had the great pleasure of looking over his current manuscript (including his moving war poems: http://www.warpoetry.com). He was obviously a talented writer, and,  as he is also a professional teacher,  I felt he might have interesting ways to teach Ferdous about his great passion, imagist poetry.

IN THE BEGINNING ....

To start the project, I called in Michael's two-year-old time bank debt, and asked him to pass on the favour. I wanted him to suggest an alternative re-ordering of poems and do a close reading of one or two of the poems, using e-mail.

I was very keen that Michael and Ferdous NOT meet, but start an e-mail correspondence, which would approximate the relationship poets usually establish with their first editor or publisher. Also, I wanted Ferdous to learn to send poems by e-mail, because I knew she was going to Bangladesh for two months; if she wasn't using e-mail,  we couldn't continue the project.

Of course, any time you get three poets together, you have at least five ways of approaching a project. Although they are both friends of Purple Poet Islam Molla, Ferdous and Michael hadn't met each other. Instead of doing their consultation by e-mail, as I had asked, they offered to meet over dinner with me, and over drinks with me, and go to lunch with me. I ignored all these offers.

When it was obvious I was determined not to be involved, instead of sending Michael her poems by e-mail, which would have made any close text-editing easy, Ferdous mailed him the manuscript.

They  arranged to meet in person, on the 23rd of December 2008 at the British Library,  rather than carry on an e-mail conversation, to go over the manuscript.

As you can see from their comments, neither Michael nor Ferdous found this first meeting satisfying.

Subj: Michael's first suggestion for preparing a manuscript, in a meeting with Ferdous at the British Library. (Poems-in-Progress Project)

DATE:23.12.2008
FROM: Michael Brett
TO: Kim Morrissey


I said that it would really help Ferdous if she used the spelling and grammar checker on her PC. Also imagery is important, similes, metaphors. I said it was rather like being a film director, looking for a single significant picture that would be charged with significance. ( She wasn’t having any of it, really!)
________________________________

Subj: Meeting Michael
Date: 02/01/2009 11:42:29 GMT Standard Time
From: Ferdous
To: Kim
I met Michael, according to him these are not poems I have to rewrite. I was disappointed all this time I was wasting time I have not learn any thing. so Idon't know what to do , I am going to Bangladesh for 6 weeks be back on 26th feb 2009. Please advice mehow to go forward. Hope 2009 brings good news and prosperity to all of us.

COMMENT

KIM:    As Ferdous was writing in haste and not using her spell-checker, it wasn't clear whether she was saying 'according to him these are not poems I have to rewrite' or  'according to him these are not poems. I have to rewrite.'  

Both Ferdous and Michael seemed discouraged by the meeting, and unwilling to continue.

If I hadn't had a great belief in the poets and the project, it would have faltered at this first stage.

I asked Brenda to read a poem by Ferdous 'what Do You See' (which I scissor-and-pasted from the website.

POEM ONE


Brenda examined 'What Do You See' and I sent her comments to ferdous.

Subj: Brenda's response to 'What Do You See' by Ferdous (Poems-in-Progress Project)
Date: 14/01/2009 11:44:33 GMT Standard Time
FROM: Brenda Niskala
TO: Ferdous Rahman, Kim Morrissey, Michael Brett



WHAT DO YOU SEE?
by Ferdous Rahman
03.05.2007

Don't see me as a colour
Don't see me as a gender
Think about my contribution
Treat me as a scholar

We are part of the race
Live together with grace
Multi-cultural and multi-faith
Chemistry blended with multi-taste

The colour of saffron infuse with spice
Fragrance of food floating in the breeze
Tingling the taste buds, that's how I see
Today's multi-racial Britain.

________________________________



Hi, Kim. Here are some comments I'd pass on to Ferdous, if you think it's appropriate. We plan to leave for the lake district tomorrow, but I'll check my emails when we return next week.

This poem tackles an important subject, and, in the last stanza, succeeds quite nicely.

The first stanza looks at three of the five senses and uses sight twice. I wonder if engaging all the senses would have more impact. Ultimately the poet does use taste and scent, but I think including some of that richness into this stanza would be more exciting.

The second stanza works well rythmically and uses rhyme well, I think.

The third stanza is my favourite - so lush! I'd like to see more of this kind of writing from this poet.

I suggest the noun and verb agreement doesn't work. Either the colours of saffron infuse or the colour of saffron infuses.


Let me know if this is helpful.

Brenda

________________________________
(NOTE FROM KIM -- RE: Brenda's comment about noun-verb agreement:
'I suggest the noun and verb agreement doesn't work.'

Sorry, Ferdous, I think I typed that poem for you for the website, so it's my typo, not your fault.

Is it: 'The colours of saffron infuse with spice'
or: 'The colour of saffron infuses with spice'
or: 'The colour of saffron infused with spice'
-- let me know and I'll correct it on the website.
Thanks, Brenda --- Michael, could you choose a poem you like, to edit as well?
-- Kim)


________________________________

Subj: RE: Brenda's comments 'What Do You See' (poems-in-progress project by Ferdous)

Date: 14/01/2009 22:37:29 GMT Standard Time

From: Ferdous
To: Kim

Kim

How are you? I have got the suggestions from Brenda. I should have started this process long time ago.Thank you . I am ok. Every thing moves slowly.Best regard to all purple poets.

Ferdous

COMMENT

KIM:   Following this more positive response from Ferdous about the project, I also did a close-reading of a poem by Ferdous, and commented.

Subj: Kim's response to 'Dragon Slayer' by Ferdous (Poems-in-Progress Project)
Date: 17/01/2009
FROM: Kim Morrissey
TO: Ferdous Rahman, Brenda Niskala, Michael Brett



Dragon Slayer
by Ferdous Rahman
19.04.2007


Magic or Myth!
Which do you believe?
It happened in the past
An angelic Saint with a red cross

Dragons protect us in the East
In the West it's a wicked Beast
Oh St. George you made
The impossible the reality
Rescued people from eternity.

________________________________

KIM WRITES (17.01.2009):

Dear Ferdous,

Remember, another poet reading your work can only ask questions or offer possible solutions, not give answers. Also, it's important to remember that not all poets agree about everything, including images and word choices (although they often agree about most things). Poets, when they read, have personal responses to poems. They say things like 'I like…' and 'I don't like…' and they ask 'why? or 'why not?'

These are the sort of judgments and questions you learn to ask yourself.

Whatever anyone says, the final choice is always yours. You have to play around with your stanza breaks, line breaks, words, and images until you feel the poem is finished. A workshop is useful because the questions another poet may ask you about the poem are often the same questions you would ask yourself, if you read your poem again several months after you'd written it.

I like this poem (I loved the rhyming of 'East' and 'Beast' and the whole poem seems to work on many levels) but, as Brenda felt with the poem she considered, I feel this poem isn't finished. It almost works, but there seems to be a bit missing; something not being said that should be said to help me understand the poem.


MECHANICS: STRUCTURE
In this draft, the poem has two stanzas. The first stanza is four lines and the second is five lines.

Ask yourself, though, do you need to keep this two stanza structure? If you do, you might think about either adding a line to the first stanza, or removing one from the second stanza.

Another suggestion might be to try stanzas with two lines, with a final, dramatic single line:

Magic or Myth!
Which do you believe?

It happened in the past
An angelic Saint with a red cross

Dragons protect us in the East
In the West it's a wicked Beast

Oh St. George you made
The impossible the reality

Rescued people from eternity.
________________________________


MECHANICS: GRAMMAR AND SPELLING
Once you decide on the 'look' of the poem on the page, the next step (for every poet) is to check for grammatical errors, and spelling, then check your punctuation (and also, decide which words you want to start with capital letters, particularly if you want to start each line with a capital letter, or just use a capital letter for the start of a sentence). You have to continually re-read the poem, because when you rewrite, small mistakes can creep in.

CONSIDERATION: PLURAL OR SINGULAR?
I loved the rhyming of 'East' and 'Beast' but I've noticed there is a problem: 'Dragons' in the first line are plural, ''it's' in the second line is singular.
You now have several choices:
1. you can decide you meant it to be like that - in the East people think the world has many dragons, but in the West, people think there is only one.
2. you can decide to make the dragons in the West plural (but that changes the line to 'Beasts' which ruins the rhyme)
3. you can change 'dragons' to one dragon - and change 'protect' to 'protects'. You also have to decide whether the line is: 'A Dragon protects us in the East' OR 'The Dragon protects us in the East'

This is a huge decision, and I'll leave it to you to make, in your rewrite.

This is also the time to consider things that aren't grammatical errors, but might be changed. Small changes can make enormous differences, not just to the sound, but to the meaning of the poem.

STYLE -  SUGGESTED CHANGE ONE: You might consider cutting the word 'the' from 'the reality' to make the line more complex.

The impossible reality

Cutting 'the' from 'the reality' means that, in the new draft, 'impossible' can be read as a noun, but it can also be read as an adjective describing 'reality'. Both readings are acceptable, and the ambiguity makes the line very interesting.

Magic or Myth!
Which do you believe?

It happened in the past
An angelic Saint with a red cross

Dragons protect us in the East
In the West it's a Wicked Beast

Oh St. George you made
The impossible reality

Rescued people from eternity.

________________________________


STYLE - SUGGESTED CHANGE TWO: The last three lines of the poem are intriguing, but I'm not certain why they are written in the past tense (especially since the line 'Dragons protect is in the East' is in the present tense).

If you were to change the last three lines to the present tense, instead of the end of the poem just being a statement, it becomes a command, a plea to Saint George, an incantation, a prayer.

Also, try changing 'people' to 'us' to make the appeal more personal.

Magic or Myth!
Which do you believe?

It happened in the past
An angelic Saint with a red cross

Dragons protect us in the East
In the West it's a wicked Beast

Oh St. George make
The impossible reality

Rescue us from eternity.


________________________________


STYLE -  SUGGESTED CHANGE THREE:
I like the additional information about cultural context of dragons (in the East they protect us, in the West, they are seen as Wicked). This sense of two views of the world could be strengthened by adding the words 'some say' to the second stanza. This introduces the element of doubt and unreliable narrators in history:

Magic or Myth!
Which do you believe?

Some say it happened in the past
An angelic Saint with a red cross

Dragons protect us in the East
In the West it's a Wicked Beast

Oh St. George make
The impossible reality

Rescue us from eternity.

________________________________

WHAT IS THE POEM ABOUT?
The clue is in the title 'DRAGON SLAYER'

WHAT DOES THE POEM MEAN?
With the first decision to rewrite or not rewrite, Poetry becomes Art, not Autobiography. We shouldn't assume the 'speaker' of a poem (the voice or 'persona') is the poet.

This is easy to see in funny or dramatic poems, such as the Purple Poets' series of 'Snow White' poems, but it happens in every poem, (even a poem which remains exactly as it was written, with no changes). It is the decision not to change anything which turns writing into Art.

So, in DRAGON SLAYER, this speaker seems to be an adult, and educated or experienced (the speaker knows about customs in both East and West). The speaker seems to be addressing someone else, in the first stanza, and engaging them in a discussion:

Magic or Myth!
Which do you believe?

I like the 'magic or myth' view of the world (they are lovely poetic choices - to have to choose whether something is magic or something is myth, with no other choices).

We also know the sympathy of the speaker is with the East (the use of the word 'us' shows the reader this):

Dragons protect us in the East

Having the speaker speak from an Eastern perspective reminds people that myths are different in different countries.

Dragons protect us in the East
In the West it's a Wicked Beast

The interesting thing is that even though the speaker approves of dragons, the last three lines are firmly in support of Saint George. This plea is very moving and heart-felt.

It's almost an incantation, summoning up Saint George (using magic to summon up a mythical hero):

Oh St. George make
The impossible reality

Rescue us from eternity.

This line has an interesting ambiguity. It can be read two ways: either George is coming from eternity to rescue us, or he is rescuing us from eternity. Both readings are acceptable.

I love the idea of being rescued from eternity; it's a wonderfully complex idea. On one level, does being rescued from eternity mean being allowed to die?

Going through the poem, again, as I said, I like the 'magic or myth' view of the world (they are lovely poetic choices - to have to choose whether something is magic or something is myth, with no other choices). I like the direct appeal to the reader 'which do you believe?' I like that the only colour in the poem is 'red' (which is also the colour of blood). Although the poem is talking about Saint George, the reader will remember other myths as well of military leaders who will come back to save us - such as King Arthur, and the Chinese Terra Cotta army.



FINDING THE MISSING STANZA:
I think the missing (2 lines) stanza comes between the 'Wicked Beast' stanza and the plea to Saint George. To get from one to the other, the speaker's argument seems to be:
We need magic AND myth in the world, dragons (to protect us) AND heroes.

TO SUM UP:
SUGGESTED CHANGES (cut one word, add two, add a 2 line stanza, change the tense in the ending, decide how many dragons)

DRAGON SLAYER

Magic or Myth!
Which do you believe?

Some say it happened in the past
An angelic Saint with a red cross

Dragons protect us in the East
In the West it's a Wicked Beast

[missing stanza]

Oh St. George make
The impossible reality

Rescue us from eternity.

________________________________

Remember, as well as writing the missing stanza, you still have to decide if your dragons are single or plural (if it's a single dragon, the word is 'protects').

I like this poem. I find it very moving, especially the ending. I think it could be wonderful! It's very close to being finished and I'm looking forward to your next draft.

POEM TWO

I sent Brenda's comments, to Michael and invited Michael to re-read the manuscript, asking him to choose a specific poem, or a specific image, to cut and re-order to show Ferdous how to intensify her lines.

Michael chose 'Strawberries.'

Ferdous Rahman

STRAWBERRIES
31.05.2007

Strawberries are like

Rich colour soft berries
With fantastic taste
Sorbet, strawberries with cream

Spread on hot scone
With fresh-brewed tea

Cricket, Wimbledon
and Strawberries
--   Only place you will find

Serve with handpicked fruit and fresh cream
Reflect British tradition in full swing.

Michael's second draft stage suggestions:
FIRST STEP:
(cutting to intensify the image)

From: Michael Brett
Sent: 22 January 2009 14:10
To: Kim
Subject: "Strawberries"

Dear Kim, please google the poem 'This is Just To Say' by William Carlos Williams:

I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox ....

And put it next to this before she sees it. I cannot cut and paste with this. Toodle pip. Michael

STRAWBERRIES
(second draft suggestions by Michael)
22.01.2009


Strawberries are cricket, Wimbledon

British tradition in full swing.
Spread on hot scones
With fresh-brewed tea

Rich colour soft berries
With fantastic taste
Sorbet, strawberries

and fresh cream

COMMENT

Poetry takes time. Ferdous decided to set her whole poetry manuscript aside, and come back to it later.

Strawberries  was rewritten,  for a third time, on 18.04.2010. for a Wellcome Trust art/food/poetry project (the fourth draft of the poem will be read at the Cumberland Market Festival, June 26, 2010).

As you can see from her latest poem, 'The Colour of Blood' (first draft, May 13, 2010 , second draft June 4, 2010), Ferdous has learned to write poems filled with subtext rather than abstract objective prose.  Her poem has a confidence and accessibility of meaning that helps sustain the emotional intensity in her poem.

FERDOUS RAHMAN
FIRST STRAWBERRIES
third draft:
18.05.2010


England is
Wimbledon
Strawberries

handpicked fruit and fresh cream
British tradition in full swing.

this site is dedicated to the memory of West Euston Time Bank poet Norah Platt. Annual Norah Platt Poetry Prize communal poem "The Stream"

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